He's Always Been Faithful....

Yesterday was a rough day.  Yesterday was one of those days that, 3 months ago,  I would've tossed up my hands, opened the fridge and eaten whatever was available.  I was frustrated and tired. I had gotten some not so good news and was feeling beaten down.  I would've eaten too much not so good stuff because of it.

Not today.  Not now.  I can't do that anymore.  I can't let the devil get to me like that.

It started out pretty good.  Rachael and I took Mike to work as the van was still at the shop and I figures since it was early, we might as well beat the heat and go feed the geese.  I've been stocking up on stale bread and it seemed like a good morning to do it.  It was a lot of fun!

As you can see, she had a good time, too!  I couldn't believe how bold the geese were that they would come up and eat right out of my hand.  I was waiting for them to gang up on Rachael and take her out for the bun!

We came home and the day kind of went downhill a bit. Called the new insurance company to make sure I wouldn't get stuck with the pre-existing condition clause since we will have a lapse of a week with no insurance and found out that it doesn't matter.  The new insurance company won't cover bariatric procedures.  Panic mode set in.  Yes, the surgery and the post-op visit will fall under our current insurance, but there is follow-up.  I'll have to continue meeting with my dietician, I'll have to go in for fills.  Those won't be covered.  So what did my husband say?  "Sarah, you worked too hard to turn back now.  We will make this work."  Tears.. I've been teary off and on all day.  I've been doing research on-line to see what it costs for self-payers and what I'm finding is reassuring.  Breathe, Sarah, breathe.  We can do this.  It's gonna be alright.

Had my appointment with my surgeon shortly after that.  It went well.  I'm down below my target weight for him to do the surgery so he was pleased with that.  Told me to continue with the liquid diet and continue to drop the weight.  I'm a week in.  Not going to stop now!

Then after my appointment with him, I went and had iced tea with a dear, dear friend.  We talked about life, we talked about kids, we talked about families.  We talked about church and how God brings good out of bad.  And He always has.

Sara Groves sings a song about it.  She actually sings a lot of songs that resonate deeply with me and more than one time I have found myself dissolving into tears while driving and listening to one of her albums.  This one has been going through my mind today:

He's Always Been Faithful

~Sara Groves~

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I’m in need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I’m in need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I’m in need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me 

Great song and a good reminder. He's always been faithful to me.  He will continue to be faithful.  It is a promise that He has made to us.  It's easy to focus on the negatives in our lives and Mike and I have been bombarded with a lot of those in the past couple of years, but we've also been so blessed.  We have each other, we have a good roof over our heads (even if we do need to replace the shingles!), we have great kids who are healthy, we have enough money to cover our needs, we have good friends.. I can go on and on!  God has been faithful.  He has blessed us with His gifts and the verse from the song that says, "I can’t remember a trial or a pain, He did not recycle to bring me gain" is so very true and evident in my life.

I've lost a Rachael and I don't want it back!

Ok.. I didn't actually LOSE Rachael, but I've nearly lost the equivalent of her and that was a little mind-boggling for me to think of today.  By the time I go in for surgery next week, I will probably have lost more than what my 5-year-old daughter weighs over the course of the last 6 months or so.  

I had my pre-op appointment today with my primary and was pleasantly surprised to find out that I've dropped another 8 pounds since last Thursday.  That brings my total pre-op weight loss to 39 pounds! Rachael (for fun, because the scale talks!) weighed herself yesterday and tipped the scale at 42.7 pounds.   I haven't weighed this little (don't want to say much!!) in probably 10 years.  For the first time in my life, I wasn't panicky about stepping on the scale, but a little bit excited!

So what does 40 pounds look like?  Well.. I used the magical power of google and came up with a couple of things:  

This is 40 pounds of butter.  In case you don't want to count, that is 160 sticks of butter!

 And this is a 40 pound cat.  Well, actually a 39.1 pound cat, but it's a HUGE cat!

Now I have a LOOOONG way to go to get to a healthy weight, but my head is in such a different place now.  I have learned some self-control.  I have learned to make better choices.  I have learned to question myself as to what I'm actually feeling.  Am I REALLY, REALLY hungry?  Or am I stressed, sad, tired, etc... Any one of those would've triggered a snack in the past.  I no longer walk past the fridge and mindlessly open it because I know, when I do that, the chances of me taking something out and eating it are pretty high!

Like I said, an interesting journey and one that I would do over again, even if I weren't able to have the surgery.

So.. some may be thinking, "Why are you still going forward with surgery when you've done so well on your own?"  I've thought about that and I'm resolved to have this surgery as a tool to help me continue to lose and reach my goal.  This is a tool that will make it very hard to get lazy about my eating habits because there is going to be that constant reminder that my stomach will not be able to hold nearly as much as it did before and if I try... well, I won't like the consequences very much!

This is a path I will continue for the rest of my life.  I am so blessed that my family has embraced me during this time.  My husband is my greatest supporter!  He even bought me roses yesterday because he said he was so proud of me!  My 14-year-old son has taken over dinner duties since I've gone on the liquid diet.  He didn't even let a mishap from the grill (nearly lost his eyebrows!) hamper his enthusiasm!  My 5-year-old is always asking me how many pounds I've lost.  She's just been so sweet!  The 18-year-old isn't home much, but he's told me he's proud of me.  To get those affirming words from your teenage boys is pretty special.

My extended family have been supportive and my church family has been holding me up in prayer.  I'm overwhelmed with the support I have had.  It's absolutely amazing and has shown me that I have a huge support system out there!  I can do this! I will do this!  I'm excited about it, too! Now, I need to go make my before-bed protein shake!

It was good-I am good!

Yesterday I dropped my kids off plus two extras at Friendship Place over in Rochester to do some volunteer work.  Friendship Place is a house in an impoverished neighborhood where kids can come and be "safe".  It is a place where they can relax, do their homework (during the school year) and experience some genuine love from people that do care for them and want them to succeed.  The Youth Director at our church is the director there and it is a non-denominational place that is supported by many local churches.  During the summer, different groups take a week to serve there and the kids love it. 

Anyway, I digress.  After I dropped off my van-load of kids of teenagers (and one 5-year-old) I decided to take the opportunity to do some grocery shopping ALL BY MYSELF!  What a luxury!  While I was at Wal-Mart (yes I shop Wal-Mart, I'm on a budget!) I decided that I was sick and tired of sweaty hair on the back of my neck and got a haircut.  In the middle of the haircut, my phone rang.  Out of habit, I check the number and notice it's my nurse calling.  Asked the stylist if she minded if I took the call quick (she was very gracious) and I answered. 

MY SURGERY WAS APPROVED!  I swear I almost started crying right there and then!  Told my nurse I was in the middle of a haircut and could I call her quick when I got home. Nurse said do you have time to pick a Wednesday.  Ummm..... Ok... "How about the last Wednesday in July?" I asked.  "He's wide open that day, you're on the books! Call me when you get home to set up appointments" I was told.

Finally!  A light at the end of the tunnel.  An actual day to start working towards! I called my husband and he was nearly excited about it as I was!

Now I have had about 24 hours for it to sink in.  It's real now.  Kind of like getting a due-date for a pregnancy, or in my case with 3 c-sections, an actual birth date.  It's 3 weeks away!  My life changes permanently in 3 short weeks.

Mike an I went out for lunch today while the kids were at Friendship Place.  Had some delicious Ethiopian food at a new restaurant.  It was my first time eating Ethiopian and it was really good.  Anyway, we talked about the "What now's".  I teared up and confessed to him that I have no image of what I'm going to even look like "skinny".  I've never been skinny.  In fact, I was in high school the last time I was below 200 pounds.  Mike said, "Well, look at our wedding picture."  I was 6-months pregnant and overweight in my wedding picture.  Not a good comparison.  I could look at my senior pictures from High School, but I was overweight then, too.  The realization that I could very possibly get down to my Jr. High weight settled in on me.  JUNIOR HIGH!  I don't know.. can you ever look at the mirror and see yourself as you actually are instead of what you see yourself as mentally?  It's going to be interesting in the next several months watching my body change dramatically.  I'm excited and.... scared?

I'm sure these are thoughts that go through the mind of anyone undergoing change.  I've been asked what people can do for me.  "Please just pray for me." I answer them.  Pray for me.  Pray for wisdon.  Pray for strength.  Pray for fortitude.  Pray for me to see myself as God views me.  I look in the mirror and see all my faults, my wrinkles, my scars, my flabbiness. God looks at me and sees beautiful.  God looks at me and sees His creation. On the sixth day he created mankind.  Genesis 1:31 says "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning —the sixth day."

It was good.  I am good.  I'm about to wake up to a new morning of my life.   Philippians 4:13 reminds us:

Would you please pray that I keep this in mind as I move forward?  I still have a lot of obstacles to overcome.  The two-week liquid diet that I need to start next week scares me to death.  I love food.  I love the taste of it, the texture of it.  I have a couple of big picnic-type, potluck events in the next couple of weeks.  One of them that we're hosting.  No tastes... just my protein drinks and lots of water. Pray that I'm not tempted and I have the strength to get through these next few weeks.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

I hate waiting.  It seems like I've been doing a lot of it lately in regards to this whole weight-loss journey that I'm on.  Last Fall, I decided it was time to take control of my weight for the first time in my life.  Sure, I've tried things in the past, but have always gotten overwhelmed and "fallen off the wagon" as the old adage goes.  Then, well... you know how it goes.  You mess up, you get frustrated with yourself and you give up.

Over and over and over again.

2012 has been a year of milestones for me.  I turned 40, my oldest son graduated from high school and will start college in the Fall, my "baby" will start kindergarten and my middle son starts high school.  2012.  My father-in-law passed away in February making my husband an "orphan" and, now,  he has been offered and has taken a new position starting mid-August. 

Yup, a milestone year. So, late last Fall, after years of thinking about, talking about and praying about it, I decided to pursue a surgical means to weight-loss.  I chose to pursue the lap-band procedure because it's the least invasive of the three different kinds of bariatric surgery AND if there are complications, it is easily reversible.

What a journey it has been!  Appointment after appointment.  Dieticians, sleep studies, GI procedures!  Now, six months after "officially" starting the journey, I'm ready for surgery and have been waiting a month to get the "OK" from insurance.  It's been a time of self-reflection, changing behaviors and learning to think in a whole different way. 

The hardest part has been learning to eat more consciously and intelligently.  Asking myself, "Is this what I really want?  Do I really need it?  Is it worth the calories?"  I have realized that I am an emotional and bored eater. I have also come to realize that my addiction is food.  It makes me feel good!  Unfortunately, although it can be as addicting as any other "drug", it's not one you can just give up.  It's a daily struggle for me to make wise food choices rather then opening the fridge and eating whatever looks good.  I don't keep ice cream or treats in the house anymore. I don't need them and, really, my family doesn't either. 

I said that this blog was going to be a peek into my life and my journey.  I try to keep Ephesians 5:8 close to my heart.  To be a light in the darkness.  I want to have that spark that people are curious about, that people ask about.  I want to inspire other people.  I want people to look at me and say, "Well if SHE can do it, I can to!" 

If I can do it.. so can YOU!

18 years...

18 years.  Where did those years go?  18 years ago today I certainly was NOT thinking about graduation.  My baby was 4 months old and I was a young mom excited about the future and what it would hold for this little baby of mine.  18 years later.. This afternoon I watched that "baby" walk up on a stage and accept his High School Diploma.  18 years of celebrations, trials, laughter, tears, frustration, pride, and all the those other emotions I'm forgetting about.

I remember people telling me to hold on to him, these years go by so fast.  I didn't believe them.  18 years is such a long time to a young, 22-year-old mom.  18 years went by in the blink of an eye to this 40-year-old mom.  Can't I hang on to that little boy for just a little bit longer?  No.  I need to let him fly.  I need to let him feel the wind under his wings and maybe even hop around like the little robin that Mike and Rachael saw yesterday in the backyard.  It's mama was chirping encouragement, but was letting it stretch it's wings and learn to fly on it's own.  It's hard watching your baby leave the nest, but I know he's ready.  Fly, Tyler!  Stretch your wings and soar!

God never you more then you can handle...

You know, one saying that I have come to hate is "God never gives you more then what you can handle."  On the outside, it seems like something nice to say to someone who is going through difficult times.  It's one of those bits of advice that I know I have been guilty of giving in the past, but after the last year or so, it's now out of my repertoire of words to say to a person going through a trying time.  You see, I challenge you to find, in the Bible, where it says that.  God has never told someone that.  Look at Job, Moses, David, Solomon.  Look at Peter, Paul, or any of the other apostles that died or were persecuted for their faith.  God does give us more then we can handle, but He then expects us to lean on Him for strength.  He alone gives us the strength to get through the trials that this life throws at us.

The last 18 months or so have been very difficult ones for our family.  It has been a time in the desert trying to desperately follow and listen to what God wants us to do and not hearing a whole lot from Him. I have felt His presence in my life, but not a whole lot of guidance.  It's been one of those periods in my life when everything has been picked up and shaken up and I've been throwing myself at God screaming, "Why have you done this to ME!  Can't you see how it has upset MY family?  What do you want ME to do?  How can I fix it?"

Well, no wonder God was quiet.  I was making it all about me.  Just like a little child.  Yes, I was hurt terribly.  Yes, because of what happened, my husband and my children were affected.  There was nothing I could do.  Nothing I could do to fix it and go back to how things were. I was too busy trying to hear what I wanted God to say rather than actually listening to what He was telling me.  Psalms 46:10 tells us to "Be still and know that I am God."  I wasn't being still.  I was restless, I was angry, and I wanted answers.

I think we're on the healing side of things now.  Things are settling into a new normal.  We have a new church family that we're trying to figure out where we fit.  There are still outbursts and sadness, but when I look back at what happened, I can see God's loving Hands in it.  I am still sad when I think back on the series of events, but I'm not angry anymore.  God has shown me why He allowed what to happen, happen and I am at peace with that.

I know God has a plan for my life.  He knew me before I was born (Jeremiah 1:5),  He knows the number of hairs on my head (Matthew 10:30), He will guide me (Proverbs 3:5-6, Psalm 37:4-7) and most of all, He loves me (John 3:16, Romans 5:5, Psalm 33:18-22)!

When one flies the coop...

Well, I haven't kept up with this like I had intended to.  Isn't that life?  It just gets ahead of you and everything else falls to the wayside.

So I'm feeling a little sad and just a bit weepy.  Why?  One of my chicks flew the coop earlier this week sooner then we had been expecting.  I'm missing him and realizing that when he comes home, it will be for a visit, not to stay.  Don't get me wrong!  I'm happy for him and pray success and happiness for him.  I look forward to his visit homes and am glad that he is stretching his wings and learning to fly.

What happened, you ask? Well, there has been discourse in our house lately with him.  He's a senior and has had a bad case of senioritis.  We've been on his case about finding a job for the summer and he's just been haphazardly looking with a lot of outside, what shall we call it?  Motivation that didn't seem to come from him!  So last weekend, we hear through the grape-vine that a camp that is about 40 minutes from our house was getting a bit desperate for some male counselors. This perked Tyler up.  He LOVES camp, it was always a highlight of his summer and was sad that he wouldn't be going this year.  Now the camp we've sent our kids to for years is about 4 hours from here and this one is much closer, but still a Christian camp.  He jumped on it. Made the call Tuesday afternoon after school, got his application and references sent out the same day and got a call on Wednesday for a phone interview Thursday.  By Thursday some of his references had gotten returned (oh, the speed of doing things on-line!) and between his glowing references and his interview he got hired on the spot to be a counselor, barring a bad background check.

I took him to camp on Friday afternoon when he finished his very last day of High School.  No time to really process he was leaving.  Just a whirlwind of getting last minute supplies and getting him there.  I dropped him and all his gear off at the cabin he'll be staying in and awkwardly waved goodbye to him as he was walking away.  No hug, no.. well.. he was nervous, excited and forgot about hugging his old mom.

Now I realize that he'll be home a few weekends here and there between now and when camp ends on August 17.  He'll be busy with friends, packing up his room, getting ready for college.  College move-in is August 21.

So here I sit.. my chicks are growing.  I hold on to them as long as I can, but they struggle and fight against my embraces.  They want to grow up.  They want to fly and who can blame them?  That's what God created them to do.  I do rejoice in that.  I rejoice in their independence but I mourn just a little bit in the loss of their presence in our home.